End of Semester

This semester has not been an easy one for me. It hasn't been the massive amounts of assignments delegated by college professors, or the finical aspect of living from paycheck to paycheck, nor the pressure of grades, I had no family issues, and little to no roommate issues this semester. The whole semester seemed to go by in a burl of distorted memories born out of the ashes of death.
  A 19 year old UVU student and close personal friend passed away on September 21st of this year, Adam Christiansen. Adam taught me that even though the toughest of times happiness and love can still be found. To quote Adam from his life, "Something I've learned as I've experienced such a wide variety in life through the things I've done, places I've been, and people I've known is that so very little is actually about me. What is really important is not how much or what we are able to accomplish for ourselves in life, although that is a very common taught theme. True success, true power, true happiness is all determined by what we can contribute to the world and how well we can help others."



This has not been an easy thing for me to remember. I am thankful that I could know someone as wonderful as Adam.

 



Below are some lyrics I wrote in regards to what Adam taught me. May all your days be filled with Peace, Happiness, and Love.
-Grant Ellsworth

Days are dreams and my dreams nightmares
I live my life in a lie like healthcare.
Because no one cares for the beggar anymore
the love of man has waxed cold
The earth has become decrepit, used up & old. The end of days is near, & war is coming, white walkers approach, & ya'll will be running.
They'll carry guns in place of ice & kill more than a thousand crows twice.
Because they live in misery full of hate & despise,
They tell they're happy, but if you know better you see they're lies
& I'll show you proof that every word I say is true
I'll pull it from the people you know, you've invited them in
& heard them in homes.
They said you can't buy love & we all know this true 
A universal truth like I love you.
So when the hater looks in your eyes & tells you he's happy, remember he's tied up in lies like a chain of misery noose wrapped around his neck.
& you can bet I get respect.
everywhere I go, the people know who I am & what I be, because everyday I go hard I go me,
& my love of mankind is strong, don't get me wrong I never said I was perfect,
there is but one who is
Christ His Son & he loves us
So don't let the hate get you down, rise up like a wave in the title storm, rise up like the person you were born to be
Change this world, lets make history, because life will always be what you make it to mean.
& me...I make it a life worth living.

She had Autumn in Her Eyes

This month I had the joy of visiting a friends recording studio, and ability to record a self written song . The friend is Chris Elscalante. Chris works doing music in television and film, he is currently working and writing the music for an upcoming TV show called America's Next Best Bar Tender.
A special thank you to Chris Elscalante for his production skills, back up vocals, beat boxing, and many other talents. Another special thanks to Conner Brown as well for the lead guitar.

Here is a link to the song.
Enjoy.
Song title: She had Autumn in Her Eyes.
By: Grant Ellsworth

https://soundcloud.com/grant-ellsworth1/she-had-autumn-in-her-eyes

 

He who departs with his own honesty, for vulgar praise doth he do dearly buy. -Ben Johnson

In honor of a passing friend this month I have collected a series of lyrics and poetry for all of those who have ever lost someone in their lives. This loss does not need to be death, it can be divorce, a break up, losing a friend from a falling out. This is for everyone and no one.

The following have been collected from fellow friends, old band mates, current bands, and other contributing artists. All writers are credited and copyrighted weather in full name or pen name.
Thank you.

The Artist
By: Grant Ellsworth

I am an artist,
But I cannot draw.
My body will be my canvas,
For all my enlightened thought.
Tattooed to the grave,
I'll make this statement
That I was never okay.



          the words settled on
           By: Clark Radford

the sentence was nearly filled out
a supposed celebration
the grains trapped under my feet
salty, momentarily sublime
the screen fires a name through
breaking right passed the bruised sternum
smashing all the valves in the pipeline
mourning into a steering wheel
that is where all those dents came from
drive the chauffeur back home
and I already knew
before I even picked up the phone
dozens are second hand witness
torment is a permanent face
grief stricken, quaking from the pain
embrace, we don't know what else to do
the air from the warmth to the heat
these seasons mean something to us
there is no sun shining happy rays
the chapel burns brotherly love
this ground won't bury the memories
that I'm so jealous of
they have what was ripped from our arms
and it will rain in the desert
just to remind me of that day
I miss him like blood from my heart

 

 

 

My Bed in the Sea

By: Logan the Lost

My bed is a boat & the ocean surrounds me,

I can't seem to get up, trapped in a dreamless sleep.
Because these feelings of despair never left me
& I'm trying, I'm trying but I'll never be
The person you want. The person I was.
Because what has happened was just enough
To kill who you knew, & now
Hope has strangled goodbyes
I choke on the tears that run from my eyes
I've died a million times inside, I've been here before
Surrounded by the sea, I'll be here waiting
for someone, anyone to come & get me.

 

 

 

 

Green Tents at Night

By: MJ

And if I would have realized what had happened that night

when you asked how I slept

I would have followed your footsteps though camp

till we came to a quite place

pulling your back to mine,

I'd slit your throat as I scream

I'll sleep just fine tonight,

Bitch.

 

& suddenly I remember why
I tried to commit suicide.
Because the vagueness of my life
was always the lie
& these feelings of despair
They never left me
But how could I tell you
my soul had ceased to be
When the boys succumbed to there demons
& acted like men who molest there victims
In the dark green tents of night
The Boy Scouts committed a senseless crime

So don't try to help.
You've done your part
Just sit back and
Bury my body like you ignored my heart.

 

 

 

Miracle

By: M1K3

Please death don't let him leave,

He's only fifteen, He's only fifteen, 

please won't you take me,
Take me instead.
For I have lived, loved & already lost to much.
You keep showing up death & stealing those who I love.

 

 

 

 This pain only makes sin justifiable in a vague sense of shattered hope
Distraught by a broken heart, the feeling of love is no longer a part of myself. A shattered dream. A distant memory.
& God if you truly felt this then you know the devil is with us, he's here in my heart, waiting for the moment when empathy departs, & I do something I'll forever regret.

& I pray you forgive me for this.

 

 

 

 

& god if your there,

 I'll say I'm not convinced.

if you want me,

please, please save him.
Otherwise I'm here to beg forgiveness,
For all the crimes I know I'll commit.
For I am only human,
I am only flesh.
This is not justification,
This is my last request.
God please save him
Or you can say goodbye to my soul,
This is what I need to see
This could be our miracle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

August hits the Hardest

By: Red Death Roulette -Band.

Every August hits me the hardest
The grave that decayed me
& put hate in my veins
Has made me the man that I am today

So lets lie between the sheets
& please lie when your next to me
(Tell me you love me)
& just maybe I won't feel alone
& just maybe I won't feel alone
TONIGHT!
I'll die in your arms, so hold my ring for me while the sirens scream
TONIGHT!
I am what I eat, so let me eat you  & let us both feel free
From death! from life! from grief! From pain!
I swear every day is exactly the same.

From death! from life! from grief! From pain!

I swear every day is exactly the same.

I never wanted anything more than to curl up & die on this floor
So take me by the hand & tell me I'll be your man
Otherwise I'm inclined to die here without you I'll commit
My self righteous suicide
TONIGHT! I'll commit
My self righteous suicide

 

 

Emptiness Will Drown Me

By: Logan the Lost

Tears that never fall, weigh hardest on my soul
& words that fall on deaf ears, make life miserable
Friends who laugh, make me want to scream
& I'm afraid I'll never be the man I was supposed to be.
Because I've never been the same since the day you left me.
& these scars run deep so please defend me from myself
Or else I swear I'll drown my soul in this hell
A noose is tied around my neck, please kick the chair for me
& these feelings never leave
Can I forgive? Will I ever forget?
This feeling of emptiness
This feeling of emptiness
This feeling...

 

 

Mother doesn't mean Forever

By: Splint

She was rooted in service to all she met a gentle soul that had out grown the cruel world. Death was her saving grace from the pain, oh if only I'd traded places and met death's sweet embrace but I am not worth of such a life, for I am still guilty of all these self loathing crimes.

 

So I'll scream these words

To reflect the hurt,

It takes to watch you brother

Bury his own mothers, body.

To the only place all our secrets are safe.

Rooted in a box and locked away

I'll carry this pain to my grave.

 

 

 

Speak to me

By: Splint

Gravestones will carry me home,

My heart has been sew below,

To those who lay in the ground.

Forever restless, forever safe, never to make a sound,

Oh the waves of despair come crashing down,

And drown me in the deep of the ocean sea.

Beneath it all I see the stars as they should be. Reflected perfectly. They speak to me.

 

 

 Of things unseen,

Of thoughts unheard,

And of words unuttered.

 

Speak to me.

 

 

Sidewalks

By: Grant Ellsworth

Sidewalks are no longer painted bright in the sunlight,

Birds no longer hum a slow stead song,

The beat of the music is still in my heart, but no longer a part of my step.

I march to a new drum.

Beat to the sounds overcome by seven deadly sins...for I am only human.

 

Autumn Eyes 

By: MJ

And you lied when you said I was yours forever to be sealed together like that golden ring wrapped around your finger.

To live out the eternities with just you and me because you were my one pure love,

You were all I needed.

I would have sacrificed everything for you, but you couldn't bear to hear my soul scream for the crimes committed against me, and now you're number one on my list for the reason why its so hard for me to ever fall asleep at night.

My Autumn Eyes

"Your the worst thing that has ever happened to me."

So put a dagger between,

Your teeth,

Do me a favor,

And kiss me.

 

 

Death

By: M1K3

The world will cry for the death of your age,

And I will drown my lungs in tears on that day.

My screams will overrun the chorus sound,

NOT FOR YOUR DEATH!

But for one more friend I will have to watch get put in the ground.

 

 

Sleep Terrified

By: Grant Ellsworth

Every night I sleep terrified,

Scared to death that when you die,

I'll no longer see the point in living

Any part of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beth

By: M1K3

She had to watch

as her son suffered with a cancer,

Never before seen,

The doctors are to blame,

Same as her father,

She's seen to much to bury her only son.

So God if your there this is my one and only humble prayer, I'm down on bended knee begging, screaming, please,

He's only fifteen! He's only fifteen!

And if you need somebody for anything,

Then I volunteer.

Give the cancer to me.
Please God.

Give the cancer to me.

 

 

 

 

 

Repeated Mistakes, Late Nights, and Nothing left to Say.

By: MJ

I'm a failure,

So I'll sink inside myself,

and we all know what's coming,

That I am bound for hell.

Because God will not accept,

Anything less,

Than perfection,

Than our best,

This is.

My failed resurrection.

And I can't seem to make it out,

No matter how hard I try,

 

 

 

I'm dying to give up,

I'm screaming my lungs out why!

Why am I not good enough to stop myself?

Why do I feel that I'm destined for hell?

 

 

Lola

By: M1K3

I can't seem to let you go,

From my heart.

Cause all that seems to remain

Are gravestones and scars.

 

But you were ripped away,

From me.

And you left your mark in the form of a scar, on the day when you passed away.

And I would never try to take my life, but tonight is a night I wish I could die.

Cause now your gone and there's a hole in my heart deeper than my darkest scar.

Because now your gone and there's a space in my soul, hollowed out, I'm no longer whole.  

 

And Jokes at your funeral,

Are consumed in my mind,

Because you can't cry and be a man,

Because no one ever understands.

And I wish that we,

Would have had more time,

Because four weeks was not enough,

For me to feel accepted, for me to know your love.

And If I would have know,

That death was knocking down your door,

Well I would have made sure,

To say goodbye with open eyes.

And if only tears,

Could lead me to the gate,

I'd bring you back to me,

Cause I'm selfish for you,

Like you were selfless for me.

 

 

 

 The End.

 

The Grin in Chelsea

Chelsea Grin is a deathcore band that has been influential in the metal market since two thousand and eight, when the band was signed to artery records. Chelsea Grin was born in heart of salt lake. The rough scream vocals, heavy guitar, and hooky drums seemed to attract the damaged and broken teenage spirit. It was punk rock reborn, it wasn't about the talent of the music, it wasn't about being polished or perfect, but rather it was about the message. A message that said, yes life is unfair, life is messed up, and sometimes there are no words to express this feeling, so lets scream about it. There is also plenty of talent to be seen in Chelsea Grin. Epically in the original drummer Andrew Carlston. Andrew left in the band in November of two thousand twelve due to complications. Andrew currently lives in Orem UT and is going to school at UVU studying to become a doctor, and on Wednesday night I got the pleasure of sitting down with Andrew and asking him about his time, experience, and money made with Chelsea Grin.

How much money did you make?

The first question I had for Andrew was, how much money were you making when you left the band? With the birth of the internet and music streaming available anywhere, and with people downloading music, I like many people are curious to know how much money is there to be made in music today. Andrew's answer surprised me, “I can give you a rough estimate,” Andrew said smiling, “Anywhere from three thousand to six thousand dollars a month.” Andrew said that Chelsea Grin did an even distribution of money so anywhere from three thousand to six thousand times five and you have the total money the band was making a month. “Some bands make more, sometimes close to one hundred thousand a month,” Andrew elaborated by saying, “And some bands do the distributing differently, sometimes the one who writes the songs gets more money.” Andrew went on to explain, “The metal industry. Or the underground metal market is massive. There is a lot of money to be made. Most of your mainstream bands came from it, Avenged Sevenfold was one of them. I can remember seeing them play at in the venue with five hundred people watching.”

But things weren't always so glamorous for Chelsea Grin, in the early days the band had to scrip and save for tour. They would live on two dollar meals from taco bell. Chelsea Grin was launched by Myspace, The band had an amazing marketing stagey early on. “We made it so that every show we played in the early days we were headlining.” Andrew stated, “Confidence. Whatever you think you are, you will become, its eighty percent image.” Andrew could not emphasize that enough.

“A band is a business and you have to know your market and how to market your business or band successfully.”

Andrew went on to say, “We would go to different cites and states just do DIY (Do it yourself) shows, paying for gas. Funnest times of being in a band, were the beginning days, as much as I hated touring in van, I hated living in a van full of twelve people, but they were the wild times.”

What was provided for free? And what did you have to pay for?

“Food would vary from tour tour,” Andrew said, “Most tours we would do a buyout where the promoter would provide food, if not the promoter would get us about ten bucks for food.”

How much money did you have to spend on tour?

“That's hard.” Andrew said, “There are a lot of things that happen, like busting drum equipment on the road that I would have to buy. Mainly I would end up spending money on miscellaneous stuff. You get so bored that gets to a point to where you go out just to spend money. There's definitely an image you have to uphold. You can't come out looking like a bum.” This theory of image all depends on the image of the band. The Beatles are a great example, they would dress in suits to present a clean image for parents, while girls would scream, begging to part of the spotlight even if for a second. There are some bands that do come out looking like a bum, but looking like a bum was never a part of Chelsea Grin.

Andrew elaborated on the expense of the road by saying, “There are a lot of upgrades you spend your money on to make your sound better. You get a lot more knowledge as you play. Lights, cables, triggers, guitar heads, a lot of it can come free from labels. But they only give you so much. Say you want four full stacks on both sides, but they only give you two. So you have to go out and buy the other two.”

“An engineer is the most expensive part of a band.” Andrew said, “Engineer's cost anywhere from five hundred to three thousand a week. They are the guy that makes everything sound good on the stage. If you don't sound good no one is going to want to see you play.” 

An engineer is more commonly called a sound guy. They are the ones who know how to add the perfect effects to make a band sound amazing. “Engineer's are professorial,” Andrew said, “And they deserve more credit than they get.”

“Lights are another thing,” Andrew continued, “An LD. Is a light guy. But the lights get kids energized and keep the level of a show up.”

What were some of the worst things about tour?

“Boredom.” Andrew answered quickly. “It got really repetitive. Things were the same. Wake up at 4 in the afternoon, show up for a show, went in to test drums, or in the later days I had a drum tech so he would do everything. And then hang out on the bus all day. You go walk around, but ninety percent of the time you've already been to those venues. You've already been there you've seen the town already. So you just walk around.”

Best things about touring?

“Cool stuff was getting trashed with other bands.” Andrew stated Andrew laughed as he said, “I Burned Danny's two thousand dollar boots.” For those of you who don't know who Danny is the lead singer of the band Asking Alexandria. Andrew laughed some more as he continued with his story. “Danny's payback was to piss on my pumas and light them on fire.” It seems that the best thing about touring are the bonds you are able to form with other musician's and people. You live with other musicians and grow close to them, they become some of your best friends. “My dream was always being in band,” Andrew said, “Once it came to life it was awesome for the first few years, and then it went miserable.”

Andrew elaborated by saying, “I realized that I didn't...it wasn't real. I'm happier now, the people I was around made it really hard. Not that I wouldn't do it again, cause I loved it. You have to love the people you are around and with, but that love can go sour. Epically living with em all the time all day every day.”

What were the girls like?

“Its very very easy.” Andrew said smiling. “The bigger you get the less effort you want to put in. It gets to a point when you're so famous that another a guy goes around and picks the girls to bring on the bus, and once they are on the bus, in that sacred area and see who are, they are down for anything. Girls who sniff coke off of buttholes.” Andrew stopped for a second to take a drink. “That would actually happen, not all the time,” Andrew said, “But still...girls were down to impress the band.”

“Super fans,” Andrew continued, “Super fans are the worst, most bands don't want to go out of the bus, because they get pounded by fans and asked the same questions all the time. Or told the same things over and over again. Such as, hey I love your band, or hey that song you have is so good.” Andrew also stated, “Bands get egos, and that is a downfall. The bigger your band gets. The bigger the ego gets.”

How were the drugs brought into play?

“Drugs are just part of music in general.” Andrew said. “Drugs are there, it doesn't matter what genre you play. Band members end up getting into it because of boredom. You don't have to work, you just go on stage and play. The only thing you have to worry about is yelling at people.” I asked Andrew if the drugs were free, if they cost money, and how they were introduced. “People come on the bus offering coke.” Andrew stated. He continued to elaborate with an example. “A guy would come on the bus and be like, 'Hey I have this banging girlfriend and I want to watch you bang her, while we all do some coke.'” Andrew also said, “Girls offer to get drugs to hang with band, as well guys.”

Was it all a big party?

“A big repetitive party.” Andrew said. “Tons of drinking, thats what I got into. You wanna go to a place to party. Even more if you don't have a show to go to. Tons of bars, house parties, a band will kill a bottle a night easy. Chelsea Grin was a whole another level of a party band. They would party just as hard anyone.”

What was life like being in a band?

“Band life,” Andrew said smiling, “You would just be sitting on a couch playing video games, or watching someone play the video games most of the night, or you'd be getting high, drinking, ect.” Andrew paused and thought for a moment, then saying, “Or you'd be in your bunk cause you didn't want to talk to anyone. The bunks were not big. About as a big as a two person couch. Hard to rail a girl in your bunk,” Andrew said laughing and smiling, “Usually you end up kick people out of the back of lounge when you wanted to rail a girl.”
 

Andrew elaborated on the back of the bus verses the front, “The front lounge was where the party was at, the back was where the geeks were at. I ended up getting sick of people on bus period.” Andrew said. “I'd wake up and some guy would be so messed up that he had passed out on the bus the night before. He'd wake up the next morning on the bus in different city.”

 

“Where I am I?” The kid would ask.

“I don't know but you got go.” Andrew would answer. Sometimes the newly woken up guys would ask where there girlfriends were from the night before, “I don't know, but you gotta go” was always the answer.
 

When asking Andrew about band life one last time he said, “It was a fun life, I'll live it again I'm sure.”

Keep an eye out world Andrew Carlston may be coming back into the music scene with a big bang.